Feeling Like a Hedgehog

Click for Joe Cocker's perfect performance in Woodstock ✌🏻

7.10.22

Bilkent University - Ankara/Turkiye

P.S. Two lucky hedgehogs since, apparently, they found each other. :)

This is the writing that I've been putting in a few sentences whenever I captured a moment to do so the whole pretty demanding year in Bilkent. So I made it July to share it with you, finally :). Let's get started to talk about hedgehogs, then. 

I have a feeling that reminds me from time to time that makes me close to hedgehogs, for some reason, which I want to talk about here. I hope to touch on some common points other hedgehogs in this writing. Why? Cos, I want to defend and normalise this feeling experienced. 

What does being a hedgehog sound like? What are the first associations in your mind about it? Being untouchable.. cute.. a half smile on a face.. sharp and risky quills that could be harmful at any moment, a thing that makes you hesitant to contact it anyway?! ..and more and more. This concept may be familiar to you from Schopenhauer’s hedgehog story. If it is not, then it is the time; pls see here. I will discuss other aspects of it through the following writing, though. 

One of the striking parts of being a hedgehog is that even though you are open to loving and being loved, it takes time to trust someone. It is a long and gradual progress, which, in turn, makes intimacy hard, inevitably. Maybe you are too naive or broken-hearted to force yourself to bristle your spines to protect yourself reflexively. That is understandable. However, what I believe in sincerely has the power in it to change the story, love. I want to quote a sentence from the hot priest's🔥wedding speech in Fleabag to strengthen what I mean in a more poetic way: "...when you find somebody that you love, it feels like hope". Because I think regardless of how sharp your quills are, each love bond is an opportunity to feel relaxed and calm in that safe haven, off your guard. Being loved and loving sb is healing. Cos it is the feedback you receive that you are accepted. It is a good feeling that you can be there, stay there, and settle there. I think love helps you to inhibit your urge to use your spines in the long run and express yourself as you are without any(?) filter. What could be more precious? We are not perfect, but each of us is enough to love, be loved, and live this life in our unique way. 

In contrast, I am very aware that being close sometimes becomes the reason to see and experience your spines for your significant ones. Thus, intimacy needs self-control in that sense. I may call it caring and a bit of fear of losing that person, which may sound bad but motivates us to be careful. Because you make a huge difference in my life, it deserves to be sensitive. Period.

How I picture spines is probably rooted in some cultural norms and common acceptance set by society for self-expression and traits. We were taught to be "well-behaved" and pretty. These all force us to follow one specific path, which I find deadly boring and fake most of the time. I like being authentic rather than pretending. Feeling constant social pressure to obey the norms is too tiring. For this very reason, I try to try, respect and understand other lifestyles and preferences. Though, I may not be flexible enough to be part of all those forms, hehe :') (speaking from experience :p). 

When it comes to paths in life, I want to talk about a movie. In last year's meeting with Özge Hoca and Hansa, Özge Hoca recommended a book: "The Elegance of the Hedgehog". I watched the movie of it (the book on the list :)). It made me think about a pure creation of a world for you to live in it as you are. Searching for your way, finding your way, is precious. Surely, losing your way sometimes or thinking that you lost it is also part of this beautiful journey. The most touching part of the movie for me was the end because of the poignant sentence said by the clever little girl (SPOILER WARNING): "..To die is not important, but what were you doing at that moment. ..You were ready to love.". If you would like to get more details about the movie, here it is. I would like to thank Özge Hoca for her suggestion and for all our conversations as a pleasure. 

It's been more than four years since Melek Hoca sent me an animation showing how hard making friendships and being accepted were for a hedgehog, metaphorically. In the end, the friends of her/him put marshmallows on each quill of the hedgehog. I said: See how I feel like a hedgehog. And her response was much healing: You may feel that way, but you are a sweet girl, not a hedgehog. Like Melek Hoca, I thank each precious person in my close circle for feeling me less hedgehog and helping me to embrace myself and, in turn, others. That's never-ending progress. We all need to be somewhat understood as its importance is well defined by Nina Simone (:. Being weird, annoying, and daring to say radical things or living in a drastically different way, out of norms, all are okay. These are other sides of humans. Being human is multifaceted and colourful for the same reason :). Appreciate it.

What I just realised (during writing exactly), maybe it is time for me to change my tune. As some of you know, I recently had a tattoo inspired by The Little Prince, the unique rose 🌹 (and the fox 🦊). The main reason to have it in my arm is that I find super value and virtue in putting a great deal of effort and time (which might be called dedication or commitment) into something that you care about and trying your hard best to build something on it in time. What I realised right now is a total difference. Like a hedgehog, the unique rose has four thorns to protect herself, but she does not use them. I may find pure peace inside, not to use my thorns, too :). Sounds good. That we all are in change means I have a chance :).

PS Thanks to Melek Hoca for the edit :).

Thanks for reading and being here. See you in the next post!